What I need
are people in my lfe that are willing to stay. People who are willing to be true behind my back, and not to my face. I really thought I found genuine friends this time, I thought I had people in my life who would stay there. I was wrong. I’m always wrong. I dont know how many more times I can express my own desire for people who just care. One day, they’re gonna regret fucking me over; one fucking day. Until then, what the fuck do I do? Sit at home by myself? No. I don’t know what the hell to do. I just wanted someone to stay. It’s never the case. Ever. All I need are me, myself, and I. People fuck up, doesn’t anyone understand that? It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you worthless. Yet that’s how society likes to define people like me. To the face, I seem so happy. I seem like I’ve got a lot going for me, I mean I guess. But in reality, I’m a sad mother fucker who doesn’t know how to deal with half the shit that people say to me. I only come to write this on tumblr because I know not many people read this. To those who do, congrats. Still not giving a fuck. I really liked this kid, then I fucked it up for myself.
Way to fucking go. But you’d think in all this depression, this saddness, that someone would be my light. That someone would actually see what’s going on with me and try to be there for me. Nope. All I got was a simple karma remark about how I did it to myself.
No really? Didn’t fucking realize. And no, I’m not gonna sit here and act like guys are the reason I’m sad. Fuck that, I can be independent. It sure as hell doesn’t help, but it’s not the remote cause to any of these insecurities. It’s more of a simplicity concept.
More simple than you’d think. I don’t think anyone really realizes what words and actions do. There are kids out there struggling just to WANT to be alive, whether you think they have it bad or not - they deserve the life given to them. Don’t try to slowly take it away by demeaning their mentality and whatever’s left of their pride.
What do I want to happen on 11/11/11?
It’s pretty simple actually. I want you to come to this realization, my friend. I want you to really look at your life, and realize what’s been right in front of you. The same girl that has been there for you when you were threatened with a jail sentence, numerous times. We’ve been trhough so much, ups and downs. I’ve been there. We were so crazy together, but it could make or break us. It could make us, if we’d just change. I mean I’m willing to, but are you? I just want you to know you’re the only person I think about. I know that’s not the case for you, because you love someone else. It hurts, but whatever. Things happen, and I can’t change them now. We’re not together, so I have no right to be mad at anything you do. Lying still hurts, but there’s nothing I can do. I just want you to be mine. I don’t wanna date you, not yet at least, or even anytime soon I would presume. I just want you there for me, like you promised you would be. “I gotchu babe,” - then show it. Don’t give up on me. I want you in my life, that’s why I still haven’t let go. So here’s so 11/11/11, me & you, maybe it’ll happen. And if it doesn’t, then life goes on, and things get better. I’m just hoping I won’t have togo through all that pain again to get where I was for nothing.
I’m happier when I don’t see you or hear about you. Not because I hate you or don’t wanna be around you, but because I don’t think about you as much when I don’t see you. Not thinking as much = moving on, which is what needs to happen whether I like it or not.
(Source: beyondforeverandalways)
I want a boyfriend. And not a boyfriend that you have sex with like every day and all that shit but an actual boyfriend. Like one who cares about me, takes things slow, and get’s me to fall in love with him. And not the love where we’ve been dating for like a week and i’m “in love” with you, no….
Here’s a story for everyone. The moral of the story is suicide is never an option. See this boy. His name is Jordan F. Benedyczak. Jordan committed suicide on May 11th 2011. I will never forget this day , it’s one day after my brothers birthday. Jordan was one of the funniest people you would have ever met , as soon as he would walk in a room you would have an instant smile on. The kids mind was going 100 mph every moment of his life. Jordan went to my school , we went to summer school together , and he only lived a few streets away. Jordan left the people of North Tonawanda , his friends , and his family sitting here crying , upset every single day. Suicide isn’t fair. Nor a joke. There is always another way out , talk to a friend , talk to a relative , tell a teacher. Do something. Never ever kill yourself though , its the most selfish thing you can do. We all miss Jordan so much. He visited me in my dreams the other night and i just wished i could fall back asleep and be with him again … i was supposed to hangout with him the day after he died … that day i was devastated .. But the whole idea of this post is to get people to understand that there is ALWAYS another way out , please tell someone if anything is ever bothering you. Please take the two seconds to REBLOG this in remembrance of Jordan and to let others know out there that there is always another option. Thank you. R.I.P my friend , I love you.
I’m gonna use tumblr more.
Because not too many people follow me, so I can bitch about whatever the FUCK I want.
